What would life be like without having to deal with this? August 26, 2007
Posted by kat in : bipolar disorder, addiction, mental health, Adhd, Depression, General , 1 comment so farI wish I could go back in time. I wish I didnt have to be a bipolar addict. I guess I had no choice. I hate when people say stuff like “well, you chose to be like that”. How the heck do they know? If I could have a life where I didnt have crazy mood swings, terrible bouts of depression, feeling like my only choice was to take anything I could to get rid of the pain I would in a heartbeat. I have tried everything available to get help, get better, or at least get some relief from this stuff. I just had my 17th ECT treatment. ECT has pretty much saved my butt from suicide or death. It works better than any of the meds. I dont know what to do now. I feel better, but not like I am just able to go out there and live a regular life. I still have alot of mood related problems. Alot of anxiety, racing thoughts, problems with my addictions and addictive personality etc. I just wish I could be able to even make a decision. I cant decide about anything. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is so supportive, and he treats me like a princess. I feel like I dont deserve him. I am on Social Security, I have nothing to my name. I have a 12 year old son that lives with his Dad, and doesnt understand what is wrong with his mother. I just wish I could know life without having these issues. Where would I be now? Any body out there feel this way? Just needed to get that off my chest. Im 42 years old, and I just feel like I have had a wasted, screwed up life. I dont want much, just to be able to feel stability, and to not screw up everything.
Life is Weird….. August 20, 2007
Posted by kat in : bipolar disorder, addiction, mental health, Adhd, Depression, General , 1 comment so farI just am having a weird week. I have had alot of stressors that have caused my moods to be all over the place. The thing is that with me, sometimes I forget to take my meds, and sometimes I just feel like the world is just too much. I really am not making much sense right now. I just went from having ECT once a week, to every other week, so I havent had one for 10 days now. My memory isnt always all there either, I forget stuff alot. Using and drinking? I wont comment on what I am doing about that right now. I dont like people besides my fiance right now, and who knows how I will feel about that tomorrow. Tomorrow I see my shrink, so I guess I’ll see what happens from there. Does anybody know how this s— feels?
Does Anyone Else ask Themselves this Question? August 14, 2007
Posted by kat in : bipolar disorder, addiction, mental health, Adhd, Depression, General , 2commentsI am 42 years old, and have been through rehab three times. The third time I actually stayed clean for a year. During that time I went through the worst depression ever. Then came the mania and the mixed episodes. My rehab counselor sent me to my pMD and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and Substance Abuse Disorder, and throw in some PTSD and anxiety with that too. When I stopped using, I started feeling……Feelings I did not know about or want to know about. I went through all the typical meds for bipolar d/o, and anxiety. Anti-depressants made me crazy. The other meds either didnt work, had bad side effects, or made me sick. I was hospitalized a couple of times. I got in trouble with my career as a Nurse. I stopped talking to people, I didnt like people, I didnt like talking. I hardly slept or ate. I cried alot, I told my Doc I was just waiting to die. My life has been full of bad situations. Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, bad choices, not getting along with people, switching jobs by choice or by getting fired. Moving all the time, usually because of evictions.
Some of the time I felt really good, most of the time I felt really bad, but as much of the time as I could I used or drank. I was married and divorced 2 times, then in a terrible long term relationship of 5 years. When I went to rehab the last time, I finally kicked the last guy out. Now I was ALONE and clean for the first time I can remember.
After all the meds, therapy, hospitalizations didnt work I started ECT. My Doc said it was my only hope. The depression was so bad by that time that I didnt really care. For some reason I went anyways. I started to feel better. Then Alot better. I started to like people a little. Then a little more. Then I started to feel like maybe I wasnt the hopeless, helpless, worthless, nobody in the world. Things were starting to look less ugly, I felt less sadness and more gratitude. I met this great guy, who was really nice. I had never had anyone treat me like he did. I had issues with trust, and very low self esteem. I felt like I was too bad of a person to be treated good, and I didnt deserve it. I kept up the ECT, and maintance meds. I got on SSDI and approved for vocational rehab. I was falling in love, and starting to feel safe and more secure with him around.
But, I kept thinking to myself “this is too good to be true” and “I know something is going to go wrong”. The thoughts started to make me anxious, and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This is just a portion of a very long story, but my mother says I have had terrible “mood swings” since I was about 8 years old. I started using and drinking by age 12. I didnt get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until I was 41, and addicted to anything that would make me not notice or care what my life was like. Now that I know, I wonder which came first? The Bipolar or the Substance Abuse? Did one cause the other, or is it just a coincidence to have both? Does anyone else ask themselves these questions? Does anyone else have any answers? I have alot more questions than I do answers, but since I am doing ECT, it seems less important to me why. I have had a horrible time throughout most of my life with conflicts, abuse, addiction, and more. For once I feel like maybe there is hope for me to lead some kind of a better life. I hope.