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What would life be like without having to deal with this? August 26, 2007

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , trackback

I wish I could go back in time.  I wish I didnt have to be a bipolar addict. I guess I had no choice.  I hate when people say stuff like “well, you chose to be like that”.  How the heck do they know?  If I could have a life where I didnt have crazy mood swings, terrible bouts of depression, feeling like my only choice was to take anything I could to get rid of the pain I would in a heartbeat.  I have tried everything available to get help, get better, or at least get some relief from this stuff.  I just had my 17th ECT treatment.  ECT has pretty much saved my butt from suicide or death.  It works better than any of the meds.  I dont know what to do now.  I feel better, but not like I am just able to go out there and live a regular life.  I still have alot of mood related problems.  Alot of anxiety, racing thoughts, problems with my addictions and addictive personality etc.  I just wish I could be able to even make a decision.  I cant decide about anything.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who is so supportive, and he treats me like a princess.  I feel like I dont deserve him.  I am on Social Security,  I have nothing to my name.  I have a 12 year old son that lives with his Dad, and doesnt understand what is wrong with his mother.  I just wish I could know life without having these issues.  Where would I be now?  Any body out there feel this way?  Just needed to get that off my chest. Im 42 years old, and I just feel like I have had a wasted, screwed up life.  I dont want much, just to be able to feel stability, and to not screw up everything.


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