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I dont know who I am…. February 12, 2008

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , trackback

This bipolar thing has really turned my life upside down. I know I’ve had it all my life, but it wasnt until the last 2 years that I have felt like my life was all but taken away from me.  I had a major meltdown ending in a horrible 8 month depression that almost killed me.  My spirit had been broken.  My life wasted due to this “illness” that I didnt know had me as a hostage, causing havoc wherever I went and whatever I did.  I lost countless jobs, changed careers several times, had several abusive relationships, got into severe financial trouble, abused alcohol and drugs, lost custody of my son, lost respect of my friends and family and much more.

I had been hospitazlied several times against my will because I was suicidal, or severely intoxicated.  I was unable to function normally. I had no coping skills.  I went to a few psychiatrists, and they all just said I was an addict and if I quit I wouldnt have these problems.  I was extremely unhappy, and I felt like I just wanted to disappear.  I didnt know how “sick” I was.  I just thought I was a complete failure, and a disappointment to everyone.

I had been through rehab several times.  The last time I went in because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Not only was I addicted to opiates and alcohol, but I knew there was “something else” wrong with me. As far back as I can remember, (with or without substances) I have had the “chattering” in my head. It rarely stopped. I was always thinking about something and I was always anxious, or irritable, angry, frustrated, depressed.  I could rarely sit still. I couldnt concentrate or focus, or finish anything I started. I couldnt sleep without chemicals. I was having mood swings and didnt even know how they were affecting everything in my life. I was unable to see that I needed help, until April of 2006 when I went into rehab.  I got clean there, but what really saved me was the referral to my psychiatrist who I have now been seeing for almost 2 years.  I have been through hell and back these last couple of years.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I really hadnt a clue what exactly that consisted of. I went into a very severe depression for the better part of 8 months. I coulnt function at all.  Most of the time I either cried or was just completely hopeless and terribly sad.  I wanted to die, I wanted to vanish, disappear or  jump off something very high.  I had stopped talking to people, didnt answer the phone, and didnt leave the house except to buy dog food and cigarrettes.  If it wasnt for my precious dog, I definetly wouldnt be around. I worried nobody would take care of her, and she was the only thing in my life I gave a shit about.

This story has no ending yet. I have had some positive things happen, and some not so positive things. I am currently getting ECT (electroshock treatment) once a month.  I started that after I tried every combination of every medication made for my disorder. They either didnt work, or caused horrible side effects that I coulnt tolerate or both.  I was depressed, suicidal and wasnt getting any better. A few times I went into a “mixed” state which is basically an agitated depression with some mania. I couldnt take much more.

I had no idea who I was, what I was, or what had become of “me” (whoever that was).  I had been beat down, emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I had no clue where to go or what to do. Basically I went through the motions of living. I felt like I didnt deserve to breathe the air.  Then something happened that profoundly changed my life. It came from nowhere, and it was totally unexpected.

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