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It’s time to start over….. February 23, 2008

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , trackback

Its funny, I have been reading over these posts I have written and they sound sooooo sad, hopeless and pathetic. That is actually how things were for me for a long time.  And I probably would have continued with the same thing, and the same attitude had several things not happened in the last year.

For one, as I said before I have a wonderful psychiatrist and a wonderful team of Dr’s and staff that have helped me. With the combination of that, my ECT, my medications and last but not at all least the love and support of a wonderful man who came into my life when I was at my worst, and accepted me as I am, I am finally starting to have some hope. Some belief, and some faith that the road I was heading down has taken me on a permanent detour.  A detour to a place of peace, love, acceptance and joy.  Dont get me wrong, Im not on some kind of “trip” or anything.  I am perfectly aware that all things take time, patience and sometimes alot of tears.  It is scary, but I have learned one thing. Nothing in life is without taking some kind of chance.  And living in fear without taking the chance isnt always the best option.

When I met this man, I was completely and totally DONE! Done with anything and anyone to do with any kind of relationship.  I didnt even want any friends, let alone a companion, partner, boyfriend, fiance or whatever.  I planned on spending the rest of my life (what was left of it!) alone.  I had enough of being mistreated, disrespected, cheated on, lied to, used, abused,  whatever……. I just didnt like people anymore.  The story of how I met this guy, and how things changed is amazing.  I have something I never thought I could ever be worthy of, or even existed among people. I have been given a new chance to see things in a much different light.  I have been given time to “start over”.

But, ultimately I have to continue to do the work to maintain what I have accomplished through ECT, psychotherapy, meds etc.  Just because I have found a great relationship doesnt mean I can forget where I came from, or where I could easily go back to.  It takes work… I have good, even great days, then I have really bad days where I feel like I am right back where I was. Usually the good outnumber the bad, and the bad ones pass.  I have learned to change my thought processes, and that all of this is a process.  I dont jump to conclusions that I am healed, or completely ridden of my illness.  I will always respect the severity of it, and know that if I dont continue to work at it and fight for my right to be happy it is always there waiting in the shadows.  Ready for me to crawl back into the darkness, the deep and endless abyss of sadness, despair and fear.

Its time to start over………


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