The “Chatter”….It never stops. October 29, 2008
Posted by kat in : bipolar disorder, addiction, mental health, Adhd, Depression, General , add a commentI am finally back. This last time I quit, because I didnt, and still dont understand how to use this stuff. I am very challenged when it comes to understanding how to use these programs. I dont know what will happen to this post. I dont know where it will go or who will read it, or how it will get there. But I am going to give it a try anyways. There seems to be some kind of therapeutic benefit out of just writing stuff down. Maybe someone will see it somewhere, maybe I will find out where, maybe I wont.
I am sick and tired of having mental illness. Never in my life did I think at age 43 I would be on SSDI, medicare and recieving ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). Although I always knew something was wrong with me, causing me to try to numb whatever it was with drugs and alcohol I never was treated with any dignity, and never given a chance to talk to any type of professional who gave a shit. I was hospitalized many times, and most against my will for being suicidal, or acting crazy, or needing help with detoxing from one substance or another. I was released very quickly, and told to go to 12 step meetings, stop using and that was my problem.
I tried all of that, yes I am an addict, but something caused me to be that way and it wasnt just genetics, in fact no one in my family has any history af addiction or mental health issues. I was always told I was just a “difficult” child. That I was disrespectful, lazy, stupid, defiant, and as I got older, worthless and would never become anything important or useful. I gravitated to abusive relationships, was unable to maintain employment, never had any respect from my family, and was always being told I wasnt good enough. I believed I was worthless, and eventually became severely addicted to several drugs. I had a child and for a while maintained a little stability. I went to school and became a Registed Nurse. I succeeded for a short time, and then got into another abusive relationship which was the demise of my ability to be a mother and a nurse. I lost my license, and custody of my son, along with my dignity, and self-esteem. Eventually I had a complete melt down. It was when I went to rehab, got clean and sober and after a few months it hit me. How I had spent the last 20 years of my life screwing up everything that came my way. I became catatonic. I became suicidal. I had lost my will to survive, and I had always been a survivor. I lost it all. I spent most of my days crying all day, or wishing to die. The only reason I am still here is because of my precious boxer dog who stood by my side. I couldnt imagine leaving her here all alone. She was the only thing I still cared about.
Then I met a man. It was a complete coincidence, and completely unexpected. I was at the end of my rope. None of the medications I was on worked, or they had horrible side effects. The “chatter” in my head never stopped. I was told I needed ECT to have any chance of coming out of this state. But in order to have the ECT I had to go three times a week at first, be there at 6 am , and have a ride both ways. How was I going to do this when I had absolutely nobody. Except for this man that I met through a friend I went to rehab with. He was very quiet, but very kind, intelligent, and not judgemental. He offered to take me to these treatments. I told him he didnt know what he was getting himself into, but he insisted. What could I say? I really was curious about this guy. He was different. He was nice to me. I wasnt used to that. He was patient and understanding. I wasnt ready to have any kind of relationship, but it happened anyways. I fell in love and so did he. I still am not quite sure what made that happen, all I know is that is now more than a year and a half later. We are still together, and our relationship is strong. We both have had our share of problems. I have multiple mental health issues. He is supportive, and doesnt take things personally when I am irritable or acting “funky” from my bipolar disorder and ADHD. I am still getting ECT, and also psychotherapy and taking medication. I have gotten my substance abuse under control for the most part. I have a wonderful psychiatrist who actually cares. Finally I have some hope…. I know I have a long way to go. But just knowing that I have support and am not alone is a major factor in my getting well. I can only hope that it is my turn to have some type of happiness, and forget about the past. I have a new life now, and look forward to the future. Sometimes it is hard, and I want to give up. But usually those feelings pass, and all is okay. For now at least.