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Hacked By BALA SNIPER October 29, 2008

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 5comments

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It’s time to start over….. February 23, 2008

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 5comments

Its funny, I have been reading over these posts I have written and they sound sooooo sad, hopeless and pathetic. That is actually how things were for me for a long time.  And I probably would have continued with the same thing, and the same attitude had several things not happened in the last year.

For one, as I said before I have a wonderful psychiatrist and a wonderful team of Dr’s and staff that have helped me. With the combination of that, my ECT, my medications and last but not at all least the love and support of a wonderful man who came into my life when I was at my worst, and accepted me as I am, I am finally starting to have some hope. Some belief, and some faith that the road I was heading down has taken me on a permanent detour.  A detour to a place of peace, love, acceptance and joy.  Dont get me wrong, Im not on some kind of “trip” or anything.  I am perfectly aware that all things take time, patience and sometimes alot of tears.  It is scary, but I have learned one thing. Nothing in life is without taking some kind of chance.  And living in fear without taking the chance isnt always the best option.

When I met this man, I was completely and totally DONE! Done with anything and anyone to do with any kind of relationship.  I didnt even want any friends, let alone a companion, partner, boyfriend, fiance or whatever.  I planned on spending the rest of my life (what was left of it!) alone.  I had enough of being mistreated, disrespected, cheated on, lied to, used, abused,  whatever……. I just didnt like people anymore.  The story of how I met this guy, and how things changed is amazing.  I have something I never thought I could ever be worthy of, or even existed among people. I have been given a new chance to see things in a much different light.  I have been given time to “start over”.

But, ultimately I have to continue to do the work to maintain what I have accomplished through ECT, psychotherapy, meds etc.  Just because I have found a great relationship doesnt mean I can forget where I came from, or where I could easily go back to.  It takes work… I have good, even great days, then I have really bad days where I feel like I am right back where I was. Usually the good outnumber the bad, and the bad ones pass.  I have learned to change my thought processes, and that all of this is a process.  I dont jump to conclusions that I am healed, or completely ridden of my illness.  I will always respect the severity of it, and know that if I dont continue to work at it and fight for my right to be happy it is always there waiting in the shadows.  Ready for me to crawl back into the darkness, the deep and endless abyss of sadness, despair and fear.

Its time to start over………

I dont know who I am…. February 12, 2008

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 3comments

This bipolar thing has really turned my life upside down. I know I’ve had it all my life, but it wasnt until the last 2 years that I have felt like my life was all but taken away from me.  I had a major meltdown ending in a horrible 8 month depression that almost killed me.  My spirit had been broken.  My life wasted due to this “illness” that I didnt know had me as a hostage, causing havoc wherever I went and whatever I did.  I lost countless jobs, changed careers several times, had several abusive relationships, got into severe financial trouble, abused alcohol and drugs, lost custody of my son, lost respect of my friends and family and much more.

I had been hospitazlied several times against my will because I was suicidal, or severely intoxicated.  I was unable to function normally. I had no coping skills.  I went to a few psychiatrists, and they all just said I was an addict and if I quit I wouldnt have these problems.  I was extremely unhappy, and I felt like I just wanted to disappear.  I didnt know how “sick” I was.  I just thought I was a complete failure, and a disappointment to everyone.

I had been through rehab several times.  The last time I went in because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Not only was I addicted to opiates and alcohol, but I knew there was “something else” wrong with me. As far back as I can remember, (with or without substances) I have had the “chattering” in my head. It rarely stopped. I was always thinking about something and I was always anxious, or irritable, angry, frustrated, depressed.  I could rarely sit still. I couldnt concentrate or focus, or finish anything I started. I couldnt sleep without chemicals. I was having mood swings and didnt even know how they were affecting everything in my life. I was unable to see that I needed help, until April of 2006 when I went into rehab.  I got clean there, but what really saved me was the referral to my psychiatrist who I have now been seeing for almost 2 years.  I have been through hell and back these last couple of years.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I really hadnt a clue what exactly that consisted of. I went into a very severe depression for the better part of 8 months. I coulnt function at all.  Most of the time I either cried or was just completely hopeless and terribly sad.  I wanted to die, I wanted to vanish, disappear or  jump off something very high.  I had stopped talking to people, didnt answer the phone, and didnt leave the house except to buy dog food and cigarrettes.  If it wasnt for my precious dog, I definetly wouldnt be around. I worried nobody would take care of her, and she was the only thing in my life I gave a shit about.

This story has no ending yet. I have had some positive things happen, and some not so positive things. I am currently getting ECT (electroshock treatment) once a month.  I started that after I tried every combination of every medication made for my disorder. They either didnt work, or caused horrible side effects that I coulnt tolerate or both.  I was depressed, suicidal and wasnt getting any better. A few times I went into a “mixed” state which is basically an agitated depression with some mania. I couldnt take much more.

I had no idea who I was, what I was, or what had become of “me” (whoever that was).  I had been beat down, emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I had no clue where to go or what to do. Basically I went through the motions of living. I felt like I didnt deserve to breathe the air.  Then something happened that profoundly changed my life. It came from nowhere, and it was totally unexpected.

Oh Come on! September 9, 2007

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 8comments

I am really frustrated with this blog stuff. I am not stupid, but how the hell am I supposed to understand all the lingo of how to make this stuff work?  I came here to talk about MENTAL problems, specifically BIPOLAR DISORDER.  I found this blog thing through the psychcentral web site, and I thought I could benefit from creating a blog.  However, I had no idea what a blog was or how to use it. Now I am trying to figure the whole thing out.  The tutorial thing is even incomprehensible to me.  Im just not computer educated, and truthfully dont want to be.  I just want to be able to write what I want to say, answer comments, look at other peoples blogs that interest me, make comments on those, and be done.  I dont get all these fancy things you can do, and I dont really care.  But, if I am going to even try to get something out of this, I need to understand how to do it right.  So if anyone out there who reads this cares to try to explain it to me I would be grateful.  I am just a little irriatated right now at the whole world anyways. I have just recently moved, and I am going through alot of stuff with my MENTAL problems.  I am having ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) every two weeks now, and am dealing with alot of other crap.  So, maybe I will talk about it some more, if I find out this is a good place to talk about it.  If not, I guess there has to be someplace where you can understand what to do to get people to simplify things for those of us who are computer challenged.  Thats it for now. 

What would life be like without having to deal with this? August 26, 2007

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 5comments

I wish I could go back in time.  I wish I didnt have to be a bipolar addict. I guess I had no choice.  I hate when people say stuff like “well, you chose to be like that”.  How the heck do they know?  If I could have a life where I didnt have crazy mood swings, terrible bouts of depression, feeling like my only choice was to take anything I could to get rid of the pain I would in a heartbeat.  I have tried everything available to get help, get better, or at least get some relief from this stuff.  I just had my 17th ECT treatment.  ECT has pretty much saved my butt from suicide or death.  It works better than any of the meds.  I dont know what to do now.  I feel better, but not like I am just able to go out there and live a regular life.  I still have alot of mood related problems.  Alot of anxiety, racing thoughts, problems with my addictions and addictive personality etc.  I just wish I could be able to even make a decision.  I cant decide about anything.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who is so supportive, and he treats me like a princess.  I feel like I dont deserve him.  I am on Social Security,  I have nothing to my name.  I have a 12 year old son that lives with his Dad, and doesnt understand what is wrong with his mother.  I just wish I could know life without having these issues.  Where would I be now?  Any body out there feel this way?  Just needed to get that off my chest. Im 42 years old, and I just feel like I have had a wasted, screwed up life.  I dont want much, just to be able to feel stability, and to not screw up everything.

Life is Weird….. August 20, 2007

Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 5comments

I just am having a weird week. I have had alot of stressors that have caused my moods to be all over the place.  The thing is that with me, sometimes I forget to take my meds, and sometimes I just feel like the world is just too much.  I really am not making much sense right now.  I just went from having ECT once a week, to every other week, so I havent had one for 10 days now.  My memory isnt always all there either, I forget stuff alot. Using and drinking?  I wont comment on what I am doing about that right now. I dont like people besides my fiance right now, and who knows how I will feel about that tomorrow.  Tomorrow I see my shrink, so I guess I’ll see what happens from there.  Does anybody know how this s— feels?

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Posted by krazykat5150 in : addiction, Adhd, bipolar disorder, Depression, General, mental health , 6comments

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